BOYS PRETENDING TO BE MEN
It's time to face a harsh reality: it’s time to grow up.
Growing up is a necessity that many men struggle to accept and understand. Unconsciously.
Since the mid-1900s there is an ever-rising trend observed: The trend of the eternal boy.
A term that was popularized by the Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung.
The eternal boy might look like a man, but his psychology is stuck in boyhood.
If we get a glimpse into the psyche we witness a regression into a womb-like space. Womb because everything is provided for him, there is comfort and he doesn’t have to be in action. In his fantasy, he envisions countless potentials, yet he remains stagnant, failing to manifest his ideas into reality. As a result, he remains an empty shell, which could be filled with his potential.
Over time, this is fueling a quiet desperation that gradually gains control of the mood.
The paradox is: even the seemingly mature man with a well-paying job, children, a wife, and a home may be stuck with the following symptoms of the eternal boy:
Much of his time is wasted on meaningless actions.
He constantly seeks comfort and avoids discomfort.
His identity is only defined within the context of the outside world.
He talks a lot but fails to take meaningful action.
He yearns for the past, nostalgic for a time believed to be better.
He lacks a sense of direction, meaning, and purpose.
He has no personal boundaries and prioritizes pleasing others.
Robert L. Moore and Douglas Gillette describe in the book: “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine” a man stuck in boy psychology as the following:
“This is the man who thinks too much, who stands back from his life and never lives it.
He is caught in a web of pros and cons about his decisions and lost in a labyrinth of reflective meanderings from which he cannot extricate himself.
He is afraid to live, to ‘leap into battle.’
He can only sit on his rock and think.
The years pass.
He wonders where the time has gone.
And he ends by regretting a life of sterility.
He is a voyeur, an armchair adventurer.”
IT IS A BOY PRETENDING TO BE A MAN
This kind of pseudo-manhood goes largely unnoticed because: we don’t have a proper understanding of what maturity looks like and there is no incentive for the economy to support the transition into real manhood.
Someone who knows himself, who knows his purpose and understands how to focus his energy on his mission and to thrive as a human being, will consume less. That is no good value for the economy.
So it is up to us, as an individual to become aware of it and move out of this crisis.
But what is a mature man?
He is someone who shows the following qualities:
He builds a life based on his core values, mission and purpose.
He has and lives based on principles and non-negotiables.
He is manifesting ideas into the world.
He is able to channel his energy toward important things.
He knows himself and is aware of his emotional, sensual and internal world.
THE COST OF LIVING AS AN OLD INFANT
There is a natural desire in our psyche to grow and deepen into life. It is called individuation. This is the same force that is active in our maturation, to become mature men.
If we don’t follow the call, if we stay stuck the inner world has to complement the outer world. Sometimes people will get injured in order to awaken to the inner call of going into action. Or it manifests in distortions of our mood. Midlife crises, depression, lethargy, fears, and burnout can all be symptoms of a potential not lived.
It seems like we leave open all the opportunities but what we really do is unconsciously trade the valuable time and opportunities to stay in the womb. Our unconscious knows and sends us the signals in form of symptoms, dreams and crises.
We need something that awakens us better early than too late.
Otherwise, we just keep self-medicating and distracting ourselves from the symptoms until a bigger crisis arises. Therefore we have to care and listen to the inner world on a frequent basis and not only live in the external world.
As Marie-Louise von Franz said:
“Whatever one has within oneself but does not live, grows against one”
AFTER THE INITIATION, THE LAUNDRY
There is the idea that manhood has to be earned and on the contrary womanhood is a process provided by nature and in the presence of the nurturing mother.
A man, if he stays for too long in the comfort provided by his mother will not find the maturation.
Therefore ancient cultures had processes, also referred to as rites of passage, which call the boy out of his comfort, to mature, to get to know himself and to enter the round of men.
Rites of passage still can be found. Some great leaders, coaches and guides offer initiations for young and old men.
Nevertheless, a struggle that many men face, is to actually bring this experience into day-to-day life.
Because on the outside nothing changed. This makes it is easy to fall back into old habits.
In ancient cultures, external life changed a lot for the just-initiated men. A whole new world opened up for them, new tasks, new roles and often even new environments.
Nowadays it seems more difficult to create such an immediate change.
THEREFORE IT REQUIRES CONSTANT SELF-KNOWLEDGE, SELF-AWARENESS AND SELF-DISCIPLINE
Self-Knowledge
To initiate change, it is essential to have clarity regarding the direction. In the context of individuation, psychoanalyst June Singer used a sailing boat as a metaphor.
In this metaphor, our ego has the role of the captain. For the captain to navigate effectively, he must be aware of the wind's direction, or else he risks becoming disoriented and making no progress. The wind symbolizes the Self, an innate and unshaped aspect within us, intrinsic to our very being. It resides within our DNA, guiding us.
The Self holds profound knowledge about our path, the next steps, and our true capabilities. When we connect with the Self, we gain clarity. This connection sparks a new level of understanding, commonly referred to as Self-Knowledge. Acquiring Self-Knowledge is essential to avoid losing our way, enabling us to move in harmony with the wind instead of exhausting ourselves by moving against it.
A man who knows himself is aware of the different voices within himself and how to lead his life from this place.
Self-Awareness
Self-Awareness is being aware of the dynamic between our inner world and the outer.
It involves fine-tuning our interior senses to recognize the various voices and sensations within us, enabling us to cultivate discernment. Many men are disconnected to these sensations, living too much in the outside world and not within themselves.
The discernment gained through self-awareness is crucial to avoid becoming lost in the crowd or conforming to patterns that do not align with our authentic selves.
Self-awareness manifests when we become attuned to the subtle cues within us. It may arise when we notice tension in our bodies upon entering a particular space or when we feel drawn toward a specific theme. We become aware of the wind and where it wants to move us.
By cultivating self-awareness, we create a clear channel within ourselves. This clarity allows us to receive clear signals for our path and purpose. It clears any interference and noise, allowing us to receive messages and directions to live more in harmony with our inner and outer world.
Self-Discipline
Self-discipline is a quality that originates from within us.
Typically, we acquire discipline through external sources that hold us accountable. However, Self-discipline asks for our personal accountability.
To cultivate this discipline, we must fully commit ourselves to our personal evolution.
When we embrace this level of commitment and activate self-discipline, we tap into a wellspring of inner strength.
Self-discipline not only talks, strategizes, and plans, it is only fully embodied when we go into action. It empowers us to follow through on our commitment and navigate the challenges that arise along the way.
By cultivating self-discipline, we gain the ability to stay focused, overcome obstacles, and consistently work towards our goals. It is through self-discipline that we transform our aspirations into tangible achievements and create lasting change in our lives. It helps the man to not only talk, but also to go into action. To create the flexibility to enjoy the comforting activities and to move into activities that strengthen his willpower.
WAYS OF CULTIVATING THESE QUALITIES
The three qualities discussed can be nurtured and developed in various ways:
Engaging in coaching, psychoanalysis, and exploring different philosophical perspectives can provide valuable insights and guidance for personal growth.
In addition to these modalities, finding like-minded communities can be immensely beneficial. Surrounding ourselves with individuals who share similar values and aspirations can foster a sense of belonging, encouragement, and shared learning experiences.
Equally important is the practice of solitude, where we carve out time for introspection and self-reflection. Through moments of solitude, we can cultivate a deeper understanding of ourselves, our desires, and our path, ultimately leading to greater self-awareness.
Engaging in practices such as meditation and breathwork can also be valuable tools for inner exploration and self-discovery. These practices can help calm the mind, increase mindfulness, and connect us to our inner wisdom and intuition.
Nevertheless, as we embark on this personal journey we might encounter our limitations. This is not a path to walk alone.
Throughout my own personal journey, I have been fortunate to have the support of mentors, coaches, analysts, therapists allies and teachers who have played significant roles in my development. Their guidance, wisdom, and insights have been invaluable. Without their presence, I don’t know what my inner and outer life would look like. But for sure less exciting, nourishing, and satisfying.
In my coaching service, I specialize in fostering self-knowledge, self-awareness, and self-discipline in people's lives. Through a deep dive into your psyche, we shape a life aligned with your inner calling, allowing you to become the person you are meant to be.
I offer free clarity calls for anyone even slightly curious about this transformative work.